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Fallout Quest: Here Come Da Munnay

Fallout Quest: Here Come Da Munnay

| by Video Games PRSS, Alex Pearl | Posted in PC, Gaming Blog

Hello once again, readers! Last week, we had a bit of an issue with a certain dirtbag degenerate jerk, but Alicante Costa and his Fists of Smoldering Suaveness persevered! Now, Alicante returns from the Corvega Assembly Plant victorious and pretty tired, but very satisfied with his work. What’s in store for him today? Let’s find out! 


Alicante Costa staggered back to the beleaguered settlement, which, let’s be honest, was really just a 4x4 shack next to some plowed dirt with some vegetables buried in it, and informed the settlers that they could rest easy: Corvega, or what remained of it, had been thoroughly punched into submission, and whatever was too far out of reach for punching had been apologetically minigunned into slurry. The Raiders would bother the settlement no more, though nightmares about the struggle with the Fat Man Raider would haunt Alicante Costa for weeks to come. 

The grateful settler began to say something in the way of thanks, promising to join the Minutemen to show his appreciation, but it was then that a strange shape appeared on the horizon. What could it be? Was it more mutants? Was it friendly? Was it some kind of grotesquely obese creature with a load of goodies on its back? 

It was! It turns out that the settlement was due for a visit from Travelling Armor Fellow, and his grotesque two-headed merchandise cow! 

If you thought I was talking about Santa Claus, well, Christmas is OVER, kiddos! So is Hogswatch

It was then that Alicante Costa learned the value of using only your fists in battle: You need absolutely no guns and no ammo, depleting your Adventuring Overhead Costs to nearly zero, and turning every dropped gun and bullet you find into a money fountain. Not only are guns for cowards, but apparently fists are for the devastatingly wealthy. 

Alicante used this money to buy several armor pieces in Armor Fellow’s considerable catalog that a level 5 character should not have otherwise been able to enjoy, because handicapping yourself at the outset of the game is the perfect way to excuse yourself for easily breaking it later. Thanks to his riches, Alicante’s Road Puncher leather jacket soon grew to resemble a wearable fortress.

Regrettably, while guns, bullets, rocket launchers, drugs, robotic parts, and dogs were in no short supply across the Commonwealth, there were still no pairs of brass knuckles to be found so that Alicante might coat his hands in extra layers of hurt. This was not a difficulty that Alicante Costa was expecting to have, considering that just about everything in the Commonwealth was covered in or made from spikes, scrap metal, and nails, but there was nothing to be done. 

Alicante shrugged, and headed back to his home in Sanctuary Hills to inform Preston Garvey of a job well done. 

“Hello, my friend!” Alicante said upon his triumphant return. “I am triumphantly returning to you, to inform you that I have found another settlement to join our cause! How have things been going here?” 

“Well, fine,” Garvey replied. “I’ve mostly been napping, these days. It’s been pretty nice. I saw a lark land on a fallen log and I wrote in my journal about it. Also, I heard about a place that’s infested with monsters that needs to be cleared out so that people can live there. If you can set up a complex power generator and a radio tower while you’re there to let people know to show up, well, even better!”

Preston, if you had a theme song, it would just be a five minute looping chorus of exasperated sighs.

Alicante very nearly lost his bananas right there. But, luckily for the town of Sanctuary, Alicante’s bananas remain locked down and under control - it’s like a banana gulag in there. One must retain such discipline when one has the power to punch people into piles of warm goo. 

So, Alicante simply rolled his eyes, called Codsworth to his side, and strolled off once again into the Wasteland. Maybe he could ignore Preston, and strike out to find his stolen son? Diamond City, the best place for him to look, was extremely far away from here, but he must be prepared for the journey by now! He simply must! 

Well, screw Preston. If he doesn’t clear the place out by the time Alicante comes back, then it just won’t get done, and that’s that. One must be firm in these things. 

Before he made his way South, however, there was a strange flooded quarry he’d seen when he was traveling to the settlement he had saved earlier. He felt like he wanted to check that one out. 

“Well, hello there!” a man said as Alicante approached. He was leaning on a huge generator at the center of what looked like a large grey acne scar in the terrain, a craterous tone hole in the Commonwealth earth surrounded by abandoned trailers and rundown prefab houses. “What might you be doing here, next to my completely legitimate place of business?” 

“I am simply exploring,” Alicante Costa said, tossing his hair in a friendly manner fitting of a L’Oreal ad. “What is the deal with this giant hole in the ground?” 

“It used to be a rock quarry, but it flooded. I think it’d make a badass base for my gang,” the man said, clearly trying to impress Alicante with his street cred. 

“Gang of what?” Alicante asked. “Doctors? Philosophers? Teachers?” 

“Uh... Yes...” the man replied, clearly not wanting to disappoint his handsome new friend. 

“A haven for philosophical teachers who are also doctors? Philosophy professors? How can I help you, my friend?” Alicante Costa said, rendered oblivious by the plight of helpless - and likely severely endangered - philosophy professors in the Commonwealth wasteland. 

“Well, um... There are some busted valves in those pipes over there, at the bottom of the quarry. You could close the valves and stop ‘em from leaking, and then I can drain the pit. Sound good?” 

“But of course! I shall do it for the philosophers!” Alicante said, and swan dove into the quarry. As he entered the apex of his dive, he thought he heard some kind of concerned protest from the mysterious man, but he was far too airborne to heed his warnings. He plunged into the murky quarry, and was inundated by poisoned water. 

Irradiation! The water was more decomposing isotope than liquid! 

Alicante fought to swim to the surface, but found himself disoriented by the radiation and gross mudwater. By the time he found the way up, it was too late - the world went dark, and Alicante began to sink. 

What will happen to our hero? Tune in next time! 

No gameplay rant here right now, partly because I am WAY too happy about how rich an Unarmed-focused character can become. Damn, that feels satisfying. Besides, I like this game! I can’t criticize it every article! I 

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